BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
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The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
When he asks for feet pics
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
This a good idea
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.