5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
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I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Worlds greatest photobomb