if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
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What the hell is going on?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.