youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
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Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I’ve had worse
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
#parenting
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*