My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
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My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?