I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
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I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.