Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
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Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.