Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
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I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Just me?