Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
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people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”