Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
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[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
How your email finds me
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people