so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
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ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick