Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
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My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come