My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
You Might Also Like
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine