Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
You Might Also Like
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these