toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
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To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
this has to be peak English
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead