If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
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can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
This fish is cracking me up
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
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