THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
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Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Not now. I’m deglazing.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Any refunds available?…
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE