DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
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Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I feel attacked.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
i- i did not expect this
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.