Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
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Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.