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Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”