How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
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“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer