Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
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Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
#Caturday
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”