Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
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People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese