I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
You Might Also Like
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
WHO DID THIS?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.