What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
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[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of