You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
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“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
This is painfully accurate 😅
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”