[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
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Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
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[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.