[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
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Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.