[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
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Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Simple enough.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
when you order from DoorDastardly
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Children of the corn 🌽
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah