I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
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Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Never forget.
Muppet Screams
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Every house has this drawer
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.