This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
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I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
real
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped