Do not levitate over flowers
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[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
my proudest tweet
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”