Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
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First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Its true…
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
At Walmart during the holidays like..
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.