“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
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You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity