I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
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I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I need to update my racial profile.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.