[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
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Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Mornin
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.