if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
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My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Best spoiler warning ever
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?