If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
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People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.