me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
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You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Passed by a old school Math example today.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen