Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
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I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.