Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
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Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
True
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh