My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
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I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.