A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
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“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.