*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
You Might Also Like
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.