My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*