Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
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Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Squirrels before girls.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]