I pray every night that I never become religious…
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me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls