Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
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Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
just having fun
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”