I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
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everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
the three genders
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.