Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
You Might Also Like
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Sign at work today
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????